craz's writings

What is this feeling called?

2004-11-29T01:23:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt sad, for no particular reason, all of a sudden? Like something is bothering you yet you have no idea what it is. Somehow you just feel like crying and you wonder why? Thats how I've been feeling the past few days. As though nobody understands me, yet nobody has done anything to me to make me feel like I'm misunderstood, I'm not making sense am I?
Trust me, I too don't understand this feelings I'm having. Its alienating me from everyone else. I look happy, sound happy yet I am not. I always try to be optimistic yet how do you tell yourself to smile and forget about it when you yourself don't know what is it that's bothering you? I hope I'm making sense here. I get these insane thoughts running through my head when people tell me things. And even when I know they are right, I just can't seem to accept the fact. Its not me. Its not the Tammy I know. I guess it started on friday and everything just went downhill from then. Today i saw somebody, never really hung out before yet was very close to his brother previously. Thing is I have been seeing him for weeks in church yet never had I felt like this before. No doubt he reminds me of his brother and the times we used to hang out, it juz doesn't make any sense. Why would i suddenly feel like this all of a sudden? It never used to bother me yet. What is this feeling? I would really like to know what it is called? Sometimes I just feel that somehow I'm just going crazy. Maybe this is what mad people feel. If i was a third person looking at myself, i seriously would think that I am crazy. Its not right. This feeling is not right. What is it called? Someone please enlighten me!

Another Poem

2004-11-11T07:14:00.000-08:00

Looking back through the years, I remember the day it all began
The way you looked, the way you smiled and that laughter
The laughter I'm partial to, the one that belongs to you

It feels like only yesterday yet it happened a long time ago
How is it that u make me feel this way even when u are not around
Just thinking back brings a smile to my lips and I know that it was fate

Fate brought you to me and fate, I hope, will let me keep you
Through the trials and tribulations I finally understand you more
Yet no one and nothing will ever diminish the memories of the day we met
The look we shared, that 1st kiss, the stolen moments though so brief

My heart beats the moment you call and I don't have to see to know you are near
My reflexes and body reacts to your every movement, near or far I will know
For in my heart you will always stay...my true love...Darling You!

The Door

2004-10-29T01:44:00.000-07:00

You know how it feels whenever something bad happens? So many questions will start running through our minds. Who, what, when, where, why, how. Yet we always look at it from a pessimistic view. Why can't it be a good thing that had happened? Yeah it may seem really bad, but looking at it again is it really THAT bad? Now you probably think that I am mad, how can something bad be something good? Look at it this way, what if something bad has to happen before something good can happen? Do we look at the closed door for too long that we don't realise that another has opened? Has that ever happened to you?

Something really bad happened to me somewhere in the middle of this year and i seriously thought that the world had ended, at least for me. Yet God isn't so cruel as to take something dear away from us without replacing it with something better. We may not see it as we tend to look too long at that door that has been shut. Though HE took something i treasured and loved alot away from me, HE did give me something else in return. I cant say its better than before yet, there are so many things that he has given me in return that i have difficulties weighing which is better to have. Its only human nature to hold on to what has been lost and not realise the other good things right in front of our eyes. We always ask for things we want but not things we need and when we get the things we need but not the things we want we end up complaining. HE took a friend away yet HE surprised me with yet another friend. HE gave me what I lacked and NOW I have my self-confidence, my self-respect. I no longer look down on myself, I don't feel inferior to others and I learnt that no matter what happens I do have people who loves me, who would sacrifice their lives for me. Aren't these better things to have? What more can I ask for? It is true that whenever one door closes another will open. Only thing is, are we ready to look for that door? Do we want to see it? Or are we still entrapped by that closed door? The decision lies with you, to look at the closed door or look for the newly opened one...I know what my decision will be. What will yours be?

Just a poem and a short saying...

2004-09-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

It happened before, might happen again.

Learn from the past, learn from the pain.

Heartache it'll bring and tear to the eye,

Yet how do we stop this burning inside?

Nobody can hear the sound of my heart,

Its breaking to pieces every minute, everyday.

When will it go away coz its hurting real bad.

Someone PLEASE release me from this hurt I suffer inside!

someone messaged me this...a rather short saying yet i feel that it is true...just sharing...

We could spend a lifetime looking for the "right one", but the right one will only turn up when we stop searching...yet we'll never know when that may be...

Two-Headed Snakes

2004-08-27T00:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever come across people who tell you one thing but mean another? Well I have. In fact I've been through it so many times that it no longer is new to me. If u don't like a person, tell him/her straight. I'm fond of doing that, thus some people label me a bitch but so what? At least I am not being a hypocrite right? I know of some people who will ask you to go out but after that they talk bad about you. What is the world coming to?

Is there any normal people around anymore? There is actually such a person in my life. Yet, to sever the friendship is rather hard to do. The consequences are severe thus I feel the pressure. What can I do? I want to break off the friendship yet I am being adviced not to. Yeah, patience is a virtue but i have endured for so long it is reaching its limit. These are the kind of situations that will make you think it through over and over again. Is it worth the heartache or is it not? Will I be happier or will I be sad? Have you ever felt like that? These people who never think about the other person and act like an angel in front of others while talking bad about you behind your back are those whom I would call a two-headed snake. You will be surprised that although you may have a good friend and think that the person is good to you, think again, you could be wrong. How do we get rid of these two-headed snakes I'd like to know. However being only one person against these snakes, it would be hard for me, a mere girl to ever win such a big scale fight. I ask all those who are willing to fight beside me against these snakes to come approach me and together may we conqueer and rid the world of such two-headed snakes. This I would like to open to everyone who feel that they have encountered such a person and would like to settle this problem. Maybe together we might be able to come out with a suitable solution that will not leave us on the losing side.

Time Immemorial

2004-08-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

Time immemorial
For some people, the past always brings comfort.

Memories.

Memories of something lost and irreplaceable, like the last cooling touch of rain upon a dry and parched lakebed. Only dead carcasses and the ghost of nothingness remains, taunting and teasing. Shade like fingers appear from within the lost space and reach out,pulling, almost drawing me closer. Closer to the edge that separates reality from delusion, past from present. It is a long way down. A sheer vertical drop from the top that would inexorably lead to death.

But all is not lost. The fine line has not yet been broken and still stands clear and visible to my eyes. Reality cannot be bent and twisted to will, only accommodated, such is its shrewd machination. The seemingly vast endless plain of land we run in is nothing more than a barred and locked up prison with the key tossed out of reach. But despite the tightening chains around my neck, there is somewhat of a lull in the fray taking place ever so silently in my skull. It takes the form of a minty light flutter of air, a zephyr sent by the azure skies as a consolation of life. The malignant manacles suddenly break away as it washes over me. The gouges and carvings in my flesh close up and start to knit itself together as if the wounds were never there. But I do not rejoice for I know this is all another illusion. The bloody cuts and lacerations still remain and the shackles still bind, threatening to squeeze even harder into my flesh as punishment for the short balm that soothed me for just that second.

If only good things never had to come to an end, how unimaginably great that would be. But alas, reality doesn't work that way, does it? It's clawed hands burn with an itch that can only be ameliorated with blood and happiness, wreaking a path of despair in its wake, like a ferocious tsunami sweeping over a helpless city. A shadowless demon lurks at every corner. And you don't even know it's there.

<The above text was written by a friend of mine...due to what had been let out of the bag today, I find this composition very appropriate...Thus i would like to thank Mr Ben Woon for his wonderful composition...Thanks bro...>

Gossip

2004-08-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

Gossip.Gossip is among one of the deadliest things on earth.It is not fatal to vital lives but fatal to human emotions. Yet it is a part of our daily lives.Why do people gossip? Is it because these people have nothing better to do?Why gossip?Gossip causes hurt.Hurt to people you care about.

They are words created in spite or even if there are truths in it, the last person who receives it will get distorted half-truths.Yet, nobody ever learns from it.Gossip is the in thing, its cool but no, nobody thinks of its consequences.Gossip, gossip, gossip.Thats all they do and the poor soul being gossiped about will just end up hurt. But who cares, it doesn't affect me.But what if the gossip is about you?How will you feel? What if it was your good friends?What will you do?I'll tell you what you would do.You will survive!You will learn to survive.If they do that to you, then they aren't true friends.Yet, you will learn from it.You will realise that one door has to close for another to open.This is the only good aspect of gossip, you learn who your true friends really are.Words...People always say "so what? Its all talk!" yet words, they cut the deepest.Words, they aren't just mere words, they are able to create gossip which in turn hurts others.So the next time you use the phrase "they're just mere words", think of what they can do, you may just say something but somebody may just misintepret.Make sure the message is clear especially when you say something jokingly.Remember, avoid using harsh words against any other person as it may come running back to you in the form of gossip and then, we will see who will be the one in tears.

Singlehood

2004-07-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

Singlehood. Some dread it while others embrace it. Yet singlehood has its advantages as well as its disadvantages. Many would choose to be attached because of the sense of security present. But what about the sensitivity and fear of misunderstandings.

Some couples fight over the smallest of matters and over the most unreasonable things. How do they put up with it? That I can't seem to understand. Well maybe its because I am rather cynical about most stuff and do not like pettiness or whatsoever. Thus I may not be able to tolerate such nonsense. Also, most people like others because they are good-looking whatsoever. However in my eyes, I feel that should a guy like a girl or vice versa it should not only be a physical attraction. Of course, I do like good-looking guys as well, after all I am only human and its a natural deficiency, but I do make it a point to get to know the guy as well. What if there is a clash in character? Yes people will say "well they can break up", but look at it this way, won't it be better for the two of you to start off as friends first at least that way you won't be ending the relationship on bad terms. Not everybody will end such relationships like that on good terms.

Another disadvantage is that some people do not like to keep in contact with their previous girlfriends/boyfriends but don't you enter a relationship hoping to get to know the other party better? If it doesnt work, well better luck next time. Why ignore the other person and pretend you never knew him? That is one thing I find really childish. Whats the point, if that is the case I'd rather stay as friends, that way at least I will not lose the other party's friendship right?

But at the end of the day, relationships have trials. Trials that you will have to overcome together as a couple. This is when you would get to know your partner better. If at the end of the day when you have found out all the good points as well as the bad points of your partner, as well as how you complement each other, and still be able to tolerate the other as well love the other more, Congratulations! I believe that your relationship will work out all the way. And though I may seem very cynical, I believe that there is somebody out there for each and every one of us. And yes, I do believe that love is worth all the trouble. All the best in all your relationships or future relationships.